Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Admittedly Bad Ideas

  • Do not put an ink pen in the microwave.
  • If you DO put an ink pen in the microwave, do not do it for longer than 10 seconds.
  • If an ink pen explodes in your microwave, be sure to clean the ink out quickly. Soap and water appears to work well.
  • Don't attempt to iron your collar with a curling iron.
  • If you DO attempt to iron your collar with a curling iron, take off the collar first.

(Yes I learned this first hand, shut up.)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In The Library (Game Night Transcript)

I'm Raina Wallace, and I had a dream.

I had a dream about being seated in a book lined room, with other people. A ghostly woman appeared, tried to tell us something - the word Paris was in there - and vanished, drawn into the fireplace by weird tentacles. Which is all kind of standard for a dream. Except, the next day I saw someone - someone I had seen in the dream. In fact, I met everyone that had been in the dream, that next day. Everyone was in Cleveland, like me.
I don't mean "Hey, you kind of remind me of someone..." it was more like a lightning bolt this is the man from the dream. We all felt it. It was real. A connection. These were people I never would have met, otherwise (let alone hang around with - half of them were big thugs). And so we decided the room must also exist.

Meanwhile some lady in a sort of Ren-faire outfit came after a couple of the men with a knife or sword or something. I wasn't there. But I did see a guy in black sort of scoping us out, outside the library. That's where the room was, we decided; in the Cleveland Public Library.

Together we reserved the White room in the Cleveland public library - the room. And when we got there, it looked exactly like our dream. There were the chairs. There were the books. There was the huge fireplace. And there were mirrors in the ceiling - strange mirrors, in which each of us could see ourselves, and no one else. (Beat that one, Copperfield.) Yeah, it was out-of-my-comfort-zone-freaky. I have to admit I didn't notice the mirrors myself - Carlos (?) did, fixing his tie. What I noticed was the book. There was a book, on a pedestal, written in a language I didn't recongize at all, and definitely couldn't understand. It had Tolkein-esque sketches of landscapes. Those sketches... well, let's just say I was intrigued. Another connection. But Sid (?) wasn't intrigued - he was just freaked out, and so he opened the door to leave. And bam, there was that Ren-faire lady with the knife.
She flat-out stabbed him in the gut. (He wasn't one of the brawny thugs, and who expects to get stabbed in the library anyway?) He went down. The others charged at the woman. I screamed like a girl. Ralph charged at the woman, Weedy grabbed the fire poker, but Rex hit at her with the whole iron rack. She went down, too. So, Ren-fest, Sid and Jack all ended up going to Metro hospital. We slunk out, dazed and confused, and end up reconnoitering in a restaurant.

Over a late brunch I discover Weedy took the Book and slid it into his book bag. This annoyed me to pieces, since it was a who-knows-how-rare-and-expensive library book. But since it was there, I stared at it some more. Finally I figured out that the first page wasn't in the strange curved script; it was just a substitution cipher - and a riddle.

My life can be measured in hours
I live by being devoured
Thin I am fast, Fat I am slow
The wind is always my foe
~yawruoythgitotemesu~


The first part is a candle. I knew enough to recognize that one. The second part was written backwards, which I am sad to say, I didn't figure out. But someone else did. Carlos somehow noticed a candle in the mirror. This would have freaked me out more if I had been paying attention at the time. Apparently when he grasped where the reflected candle should have been, it was actually there. And Weedy was paging through the book and found that the last page, the most recent page, held a sketch that looked exactly like the library room - the White room - where the book was held. Except, it had been sketched as if it were inverted, seen through one of the mirrors. We knew we had to go back and puzzle this out. We felt we would need to go back to the room and check it out, since we had the candle. But the room was crawling with guards and Police tape, now.

Carlos gave the guard a $50, and he let us in for 15 minutes. I thought that only worked on TV, but then again, this whole thing has been really surreal.(And definitely worth cutting a few classes over, talk about novel-fodder. But would anyone even believe it if this was set in Cleveland? Cleveland is so pedantic!) We took the book, and the candle, and Weedy lit the candle, which did nothing. Someone got the idea to hold the book up to the mirror, since it had that mirror-version of the room in it.

Something happened. There was a page, in the book, and I saw it in the mirror, and also... outside the book. Outside the mirror. No, inside the mirror, outside the book. And inside the book, outside the... it didn't make sense. Something warped, something expanded, something bent around in a way that didn't make sense. It... it was inside the book and yet it filled my vision and the mirror I couldn't look away. I felt like I fell into it. I don't know if I really felt right after that. I can't explain it, and it sounds extremely silly to write about it like this, and thinking about it makes me sick, like trying to comprehend eternity. Eventually someone turned the page and changed the image. No one else seemed shaken, except maybe Ralph.

We put the book back on the pedestal, by the candle, and another block of text shimmered into coherence.

With thieves I consort,
With the vilest, in short,
I'm quite at ease in depravity;
Yet all divines use me,
And savants can't lose me,
For I am the center of gravity.

We knew this had to be the letter V, but we didn't know what that actually meant to us. Fifteen short minutes of wandering around in the library, and Weedy started tearing random books off the shelf. One turned out to have a huge V on the cover - Unseen History of the Western Reserve by Agnes Violet. A slip of paper fell out. Good enough for us. He pocketed the books (I grabbed the candle) and we left in a hurry.

The slip held an address: 2800 River Rd.
And a phrase: la cloche des couches du soleil perdus
Our high-school French lessons collectively failed us, so we sat on that phrase for awhile - first we went to find this address. It was Squire's Castle.

We all managed to get there, in Rex's shiny Mustang.
There happened to be some sort of legend of the ghost of Squire's wife haunting the place, so a bunch of Goths were hanging around. We asked them to translate the French. They said it meant "The Bell of Lost Sunsets". Of course, that is why it was exactly the sort of darkly-romantic thing they could translate without batting an eye. Everyone decided to leave and chase the legend of the bell, as explained in the Unseen book, somewhere else, which annoyed me, and was fruitless, but I didn't want to be left behind. Eventually we came back to Squire's Castle.

The Goths (I didn't catch anyone's name, except Clockwork.) were inside smoking all sorts of things. I sat down and ignored them, to look at the books some more. One of them came over and we had a nice enough time investigating the books. Until the sun went down and an unnatural chill came up, exactly like you always hope and dread you will find. A real ghostly chill, along with a ghost. She appeared in the midst of everyone, in front of Clockwork, and then went down the hall to the empty trophy room. At this point I was more interested in the mystery and had given up on being afraid of things like this. Carlos and I ran after her. She was gone, leaving a frosty spot on the floor, which Weedy breathed all over for some reason, probably because he was higher than a kite. But other than that it seemed to be an empty room.

About this point we heard some yelling outside. We ran outside to find Rex and Ralph and the guy in black - the man who had been eyeing us outside the library. The guy in black had a sword. You know, at this point it shouldn't have surprised me so much. The thugs, by which I mean Rex and Ralph this time, were beating up on the guy who seemed to take it all and just keep going. Then Clockwork lobbed a shuriken at the guy's shoulder. Even if the sword wasn't so surprising, the shuriken was. Goth ninja? Carlos tackled the guy's waist. Weedy was feeling no pain and leapt off of a picnic table and ONTO the man with the upraised sword, but God was gracious and no one got impaled. I stood around with the Book.

Then I saw that a page was glowing. I quickly opened to it and, strangely, the text was legible. I don't know, I didn't understand it, but it was readable. It was pronouncable. So I read it. Angles of blue geometric light erupted from the book forming a strange container of light around the guy in black. Lines of energy glowed, coalesced, hummed, crackled, shifted, held, snapped him into a field where he could do no more damage, and when I looked up, Ralph's hands were in the same field - and the rest of him, cauterized stumps and all, was staggering backwards in shock.

I am going to throw up.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Things I Learned Today... Against My Will #2

The euphoria that comes from having timed it EXACTLY right and leaving $1.67 in one's checking account is cut short almost immediately by the inevitability of some old check you forgot about suddenly clearing.

I'll be in the lab creating a strain of radioactive ATM-destroying mold.

No, the ATM didn't actually do anything to hurt me, but, you know, you have to take it out on something - be glad it isn't you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Things I Learned Today... Against my Will

A CD that has been mis-recorded, thrown away, covered in refuse, and then wiped with the utmost care by your best minion... can still NOT function and cannot be re-used to store new data if the original failed burn attempt was a finalized CD.

Bags.

Now I need to punish my minions.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Radio Isopod & PFK Day

I see you have returned.

If you want to hear a decent snippet of me vocalizing about the troubles incurred when genetically combining cats and snakes, then listen to Radio Isopod Episode 2 by the delightful Captain Tortuga nee Natalie Metzger. All allegations of having had too much espresso are entirely false. Also I don't like to listen to the sound of my own voice. I'll have to get over that, if I want to do a decent monologue when the time is right.

Did you know that today is Playing for Keeps day? Order your copy here on Amazon.

If anyone is thinking "why aren't you part of a psychic collective if your name is Gestalt" I have to say "I'm working on it, these things take time."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Tiny Update, Tiny Apology

Well I don't know how to say this but, to those of you who ordered the Mad Science Lapel Pin at my store here http://glimmerville.etsy.com/ I have not yet gotten them in the mail.



See, there was this problem with the cat-snakes, who like their food live, and, well it's hard to explain. Anyway it was hard to find any minion who would clean up after them (since I only have, er, one minion), and you can't diaper a cat-snake. Suffice to say, I don't have things cleaned up enough to offer the pins. Hopefully I will get them into the mail tomorrow.



Tangential and unrelated: I am on a promo! A promo for Radio Isopod, a wonderful podcast full of even more mad science. Yes you can hear my voice, unaltered, for all your devious voice-printing needs. Hopefully you realize I am kidding and put in safeguards against that. Do not tamper with this mp3 or you will discover how much malicious information can be compressed and encoded behind a sound. http://www.radioisopod.com/podcast/radioisopod_promo1.mp3

Thursday, August 7, 2008

DOUBLE TROUBLE

We break from our regularly scheduled mad science to bring you this:

Today is 08/08/08! What a phenomenal day! And in honor of this amazing and singular date, you should go buy Digital Magic by Philippa Ballantine and Billibub Baddings and the Case of the Pitcher's Pendant by Tee Morris - at Amazon.com!

But don't take my word for it - these amazing authors offer the downloads as FREE pdfs, they are so sure you will love the books and want a real live hold-in-your-hands hardcopy.

And you will.

Go ahead!
http://www.chasingthebard.com/dm/digital_magic_freepdf.pdf
http://teemorris.com/BB-PitchersPendant.pdf